A friend of mine recently told me that she experienced a soul-crushing miscarriage, after trying to get pregnant for a long time. She shared the immense excitement that came with a positive test and knowing a tiny human would be joining their family nine months later, and the grief that came when it fell apart at the very end of the first trimester, at a time when she and her husband were preparing to share their joy with the world.

 

We talked about how hard it was for her to go to work the next day and keep that deep sadness locked inside of her, taking breaks to cry in the bathroom and putting on a happy face for everyone else because our culture doesn't create space for us to share the negatives.

 

Not a single person that day looked her in the eyes and asked her, with genuine interest, how she was doing and left space for her to share openly.

 

George Eliot wrote that the cultivation of empathy is our true and proper human work, that we'll work on it our entire adult lives, and that it's hard. I think part of the reason why it's hard is because it's a skill, one we're not taught in school and one we don't practice every day.

 

It made me think of something my friend and Yale School of Management professor Heidi Brooks shared recently:

"Everyone is going through something. One of the most eye-opening exercises I teach is to ask all students to anonymously disclose something that is going on for them that interferes with their learning. I tell them that I will read these cards aloud. Those who wish to do so write on a 3x5 notecard. It’s optional so a few hand in blank cards. Most write something. 

 

As I read the cards, you can hear a pin drop. 

 

We hear about sick or dying relatives. Hidden disabilities. Adjusting to getting a coveted job offer. Struggles with depression. Falling in love. Social anxiety. Unrequited love, regret, shame, divorce... 

 

'I worry that my university admission was an error.'

 

'I think I’m the only.... [conservative, feminist, trans, black, Latino...].' 

 

Everyone is going through something."

 

 

It's a very simple practice that any member of a community can replicate to encourage empathy. Inspired by Heidi, I decided to try to create that space for this community of readers and opened an anonymous Google survey for those who wanted to share, and solicited input on Instagram with an open submission form.

 

And the response I got was overwhelming.

 

I heard about grief and loss, about heartbreak and unrequited love, fears about aging and being somehow "behind" in life, debt and financial woes, lack of passion and listlessness, low confidence and poor self-image, struggles with depression and anxiety, quarter-and-mid-life crises, marriage challenges, and stress and overwhelm. Here are some of the direct quotes:

 

"My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in 2017. She is an incredibly tough lady and we often forget she is sick because times can be so good but the little thought in the back of my head that something bad could happen and quick is always hanging out."

 

"Feeling out of control of my finances and not knowing how to fix it or who to ask."

 

"Figuring out what I'm passionate about after having kids and staying home to raise them."

 

"It's been 18 years since I've walked or driven a car... You always hear the phrase "don't let pain control you, you control the pain." But pain has ruled my life… lengthy hospital stays, long stints in every rehab that would accept me… The loneliness, lack of transportation because of living in farmland USA… I am a nurse and crave adult conversation and stimulation. So I've been struggling with trying to support my mental health and continuing to look for any transportation to do something constructive to fill my days."

 

"Grief. My beautiful mom passed away on January 9th, and I'm worried sick about my dad."

 

"Depression."

 

"Extreme stress and lack of confidence."

 

"Being 37 and single, friends stopped inviting me to things because it's couples only which just puts salt in the wound."

 

"I did one of the hardest things ever, not professionally related [where] you get to brag, but I focused my energy on saving my marriage and building a family with the guys who will always have my heart. It's something so much more than having a job or career."

 

Everyone is going through something.

 

Reading what readers of this blog were going through, real humans on the other side of the screen, made me acutely aware of how rarely I get out of my own version of reality. It made me think deeply about this particular post, and what might be of value when we're separated by screens when what I actually want to do is give everyone who shared their thoughts a hug, a glass of wine, and tell them how everyone else was struggling so they’d feel less alone.

 

Ultimately, I think that continually stepping outside of yourself to empathize with another human who has problems, that are just as painful to them as yours are to you, is essential if we want to be the best versions of ourselves. At minimum, it would make it a lot easier to be nice to one another even when it's hard, to be patient, to let things go.  

 

My friends shared some input on how we might do this in real-life, when you're not a professor with a captive audience or operating in a structured environment. A few themes surfaced: the need to allow space for the whole person, not just the easy-to-be-with parts of them; the need for time to build trust in order for someone to share openly; and the need for in-person time to connect and truly sense another's emotions.

 

How can we proactively create the space for other human beings to share?  

 

That's easier said than done: although empathy is a skill, it's one that hasn't been historically been emphasized in academic and organizational learning programs. It's one of the "essential and enduring skills of the future" that I've been researching for my day job and focusing on during my sabbatical, specifically looking at how art and improv can be used to teach empathy.

 

I've been working with curator and art museum educator Ray Williams on this topic, a man with a resume of impressive positions at museums such as the Freer Sackler, Rhode Island School of Design and the Harvard Art Museums who has been teaching empathy through art for years because it enables people to be thrown off kilter and engage with one another in a very different way than they’re accustomed. He recommended a book called "The Empathy Effect" by Harvard professor Helen Riess, which outlines neuroscience-backed ways to transform how we connect with other human beings by developing empathy. 

 

Riess outlined the following 7 practices each of us can focus on developing in order to be more empathetic and create space for others, and I thought they were perfect for this post because they're so actionable and easy to implement:

 

Make eye contact the right way

 

Make eye contact with the person you are with long enough to notice the color of their eyes.  Our eyes provide significant information about what we're feeling, and making an effort to check the eye color of people you are talking to will develop the habit of making eye contact.

 

Learn to read facial expressions

 

Look at people’s faces when you're interacting with them, and your face may tend to automatically mimic their expressions. This can prompt an emotional response in your own body, as your emotions line up with the facial expressions you are unconsciously mimicking.  The phenomenon is known as ’emotional contagion’ – where we "catch" the emotions of others by observing their faces.  

 

Mirror posture

 

Be aware of the other person's bodily posture, aligning your posture to match. Face them, lean  forward,  your eyes on the same level.  This demonstrates attentiveness, openness and equality and will allow you to pick up on non-verbal cues in their body language. 

 

Estimate emotions

 

As a person speaks, try to identify and label emotions you're sensing (their affective state). It will build your own emotional vocabulary and help you to become more "emotionally literate" by learning new words for feelings (check out Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions) as you make the effort to notice them.

 

Tune in to tone of voice

 

Pay attention to tone of voice (i.e., pace, pitch). Tone conveys 38% of the nonverbal emotional content of what a person communicates, and may be more important than the words  a person uses.

 

Listen for the whole person

 

Suspend judgment and focus on what the individual is saying, imagining what it is like to be in their shoes. So often, we listen but don't hear because we're distracted, judging or preparing our reply.

 

Register your response

 

Pay attention to your own emotions, your body's response to what another person is sharing, to increase the "emotional contagion" and feel more of what the other is feeling.

 

These tips can be used by anyone to shake up their standard ways of communicating, and can be applied in any context: at home with your family, with your close friends, even at work.

 

 

While we can certainly influence our own capacity for empathy through practicing these tactics, it also made me think about group environments and how to create more space for people to show up as they are, and to encourage members of a group to develop empathy.

 

One example that comes to mind is from a colleague who works in human centered design. She taught me to kick off every new project and new team by asking each member of the team to fill out a one-page "About me" template to use in a facilitated round-table discussion covering work styles, preferences and expectations.

 

The template includes this field: "I have some stuff going on in my life." In the years of using this practice with many teams, I've watched it create the space for members to share the death of a parent, divorce, illness and other negatives that impact how they show up every day and helps the other members of the team to empathize in their day-to-day interactions. (Note: we've learned it's helpful for the de-facto "lead" of the group to go first and share vulnerably in order to create the psychological safety for others in the group to follow.)

 

I'm curious if you've seen or used tactics that encourage empathy in group settings, or have found ways to influence members of a group to practice this skill. Please let us know in the comments, as I am sure it will help someone.